I Am Not Writing Today
I didn't write today. Not a word on the paper, not a tap for the keyboard. I woke up early as I always do, I reached for the phone and that was the kiss of death. The sexual drive of the early morning took over my mind and I scrolled through a few inappropriate pages on tumblr. I thought of a cute guy who poked me on Facebook and went on to check out his page. On Facebook the notifications overwhelmed me, so I took care of those first, so I forgot to look at that page.
I moved on to Instagram: Jordan had a birthday party and didn't invite me. Bianca got married and her dress was horrible. The other agency got the model that I thought I was getting. The picture of a vegan quiche makes my mouth water, I take a screenshot of the recipe but I know I'm never going to cook it.
I remember I have to do groceries so I send myself an email as a reminder. I quickly look through my inbox and see there's an update for snapchat so I do that. I am now officially sucked into the universe of newly released filters. My neck hurts, my back hurts; shouldn't I feel refreshed after a full night of sleep? I stare at the phone screen for solid five minutes without moving a finger, in what can only be described as a near-catatonic state. An hour has passed and I haven't even gotten to Twitter yet. My life is so sad right now.
I finally get up, feed my (very) patient cat, prepare my super strange green shake and start getting organized for the day ahead. The time that was allocated for writing and meditation is gone. Maybe I'll do 10 minutes of writing on my lunch break. I'll meditate tomorrow (next month).
The morning goes by and suddenly it's 2pm. There was no time for a lunch break, I'm moody, starving and pissed off at myself for not taking care of the things that truly matter to me. The phone rings again and I'm sucked back into the mess that my life has become. I lose my temper, I scream at people I should not be screaming at and I get lost in my self-pity all over again.
The day is done and I still have a full schedule ahead, so I cancel the coffee, the dinner and the drinks; I decide that my evening will be better spent writing and catching up on my finances. I visualize myself as the top executive in that movie from the 70's, walking out the door carrying his briefcase, shouting at his secretary:
“clear my schedule for the rest of the day!”
I'm gone before she can utter another word. She is left with my mess to take care of. That thought makes me smile.
On my way home I run a list of all the things I still need to do. I stop by CVS, Pet Central, the laundromat, the deli, and the grocery store. I spent way more money than I should've and I haven't even been to the Vitamin Shop yet.
At home I unpack, organize, feed the cat, play with the cat, look through the mail, remember that I forgot to pay the credit card bill, notice I need to take out the trash, and so I do it because it stinks. Another hour has gone by and I haven't written a word. My brain is fried and I have to catch up on Game of Thrones, so I decide I'm too tired to produce anything relevant. I make up my mind: I'm not writing today.